


Behind The Screens Of Insanity

by Blueberrybelle



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Adrien Agreste Is Not Chat Noir, Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir Needs a Hug, All my babies need love, Angst with a Happy Ending, Child Abuse, Childhood Friends, Childhood Trauma, Chloé Bourgeois Redemption, F/M, First chapter talks about suicide attempt, Good Chloé Bourgeois, Identity Issues, Lila Rossi Lies, M/M, Manipulative Lila Rossi, Marinette Dupain-Cheng Is Not Ladybug, Marinette Dupain-Cheng Is a Mess, Marinette Dupain-Cheng Needs a Hug, Please stay alive; I love you, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, So many lol, Texting, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:07:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26903359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blueberrybelle/pseuds/Blueberrybelle
Summary: The once happy girl is gone. Now she’s just empty. A cage of her old body.Every crack breaks her a little more, and it keeps going until she’s not her anymore. She’s just empty. Broken. Gone.But it’s not anything to worry about.Stop overreacting.It’s nothing.Everything is fine...----Marinette Dupian-Cheng was angry. She was angry at the world, and all those happy smiles. She just wanted to leave; to be away from the voices in her head. Mixing someone who has PTSD and anxiety into a new public school with a pathological lying bitch, old friends, and emotions is not going to turn out good. Especially with an insane purple butterfly man who prays on negative emotions. Enemies are made, friends are pushed away, crushes are crushed, and liars get taken down.Communicate with others, never to jump to the conclusion too soon, human decency, and the road of recovery, and humanity is embraced whether or not Marinette signed up for it.
Relationships: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Alya Césaire & Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Chloé Bourgeois & Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug & Lila Rossi
Kudos: 45





	Behind The Screens Of Insanity

**Author's Note:**

> Yep, this is happening! Self-control? Who's she? Don't know her. lol  
> Anyways!  
> Hi! Happy you're here. :D  
> There will be many triggers such as panic attacks, suicide attempts, eating disorders (implied but not the main focus right now that could change though, anxiety, child abuse (more on that later when all the details are figured out), and some troubling thoughts. If anything will make you uncomfortable I suggest you leave because this fic will not be all cupcakes and rainbows, it's going to get dark with some nice friendship and growth throughout the story. 
> 
> I am mixing styles here. The majority of this fic will be in chatting and messaging format, however, there will be some expectations. The first chapter will describe a panic attack in normal writing. Anytime there are panic attacks or where a character does action and is self-reflecting it will be in normal writing. (Chapters 1, possibly 4 depending on my mood, 7, 8, 13, 14, and 16.) 
> 
> ***Chapter 1: Deals with a panic attack and self-harm.
> 
> Love y'all so much! <3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please if you are struggling don't be afraid to reach out to someone because you deserve the world. You deserve your own feelings, you should not have to be happy all of the time, it is okay to be upset! Please the world is so much better with beautiful people like you in it. You are going to show the world how beautiful you are, shine like the stars, and when people try to dim your light, twinkle brighter to be your own person and not who they want you to be. I love you all!

* * *

She felt the phone slip out of her sweaty hands. Slowly, ever so slowly her fingers let go and it landed on the floor with a slight sound. The sound echoed across the room and as it got harder to decipher what it was, it started sounding like the snapping of a camera. The sound seemed to bounce along the walls of the darkroom and head right back to her. Drowning out other noises, all she could hear was the camera. Capturing her tear-stained face and pale skin. She felt her hands go up to her ears as she tried to block out the noise.

 _Marinette Dupain-Cheng_ _Sunday 6:45 pm_

 **Me:** But it’s not working!

 **Me:** Closed my eyes but the noise just got louder and harsher. My head is spinning and my heart hurts. 

**Me:** Every click pierces my heart, digging in deeper and deeper until it finds the spot it wants, and then it shatters it. Brakes it into pieces, destroys it, burns it, and leaves it.

 **Me:** I can’t hear my own thoughts anymore all I can hear is the camera. It bounces through my ears and heart

 **Me:** Help me!

Her body started shaking and she found that she could not stand. Her legs gave out under her, and she fell to the floor.

There was a cracking noise somewhere in the room, but she could not focus on it, she curled in on herself trying to stop the shaking. But nothing was working. The shaking got worse. She could hear her teeth clanking against each other, and she tried to stop it by biting down on her tongue.

She could taste the copper flavor as it pooled in the hole that her teeth were making on her tongue, then once there was enough, she felt the warm liquid trail out of her mouth and down her chin.

 _Marinette Dupain-Cheng_ _Sunday 6:56 pm_

 **Me:** The warmth soothes me. I did not realize how cold I had gotten. 

**Me:** The liquid trickled down my skin and give me comfort. It makes me feel almost human again. By coating me in a layer of protection and giving me some hope.

 **Me:** I almost felt normal.

She squeezed her eyes shut to remember the feeling of belonging. The noise died down for a moment, her head seemed to clear from under the hazy spell it had been under, and she felt the calm.

But then all too soon she opened her eyes. The warmth was gone, she was cold again. She hated the cold. The cold reminded her of the screen. Of the way the cold traveled through her fingertips and into her heart. Her vision blurred and she felt the tears trail down her cheeks again.

 _Marinette Dupain-Cheng_ _Sunday 6:59 pm_

 **Me:** Need more warmth.

The phone landed with the camera pointing back up to her face, the harsh glow of the flashlight lit up the room. It illuminated the dust particles that were swirling around in their own tornado, that without the light, you wouldn’t see them. It also made her broken mirror glow. The mirror glowed with an evil presence, it looked like her phone.

She hated the glow, she hated looking at her reflection, because what did she see? A girl whose hair was poofed up and in a mess from the way she grabbed and tugged it before. She saw her bloodshot red eyes full of shimmering tears staring back at her. She saw red streaks trailing down her flaking cheeks. She saw her chapped lips coated with her own blood that trailed down her chin and collected in a pool of blood on a broken shard of glass.

She heard a whimper. A voice that sounded so lost, and so broken. It disgusted her. 

_Marinette Dupain-Cheng_ _Sunday 7:06 pm_

 **Me:** Can’t be weak. Can’t show weakness. Can’t say anything.

 **Me:** Why?

 **Me:** Because it’s not anything to worry about.

 **Me:** Stop overreacting.

 **Me:** It’s nothing.

 **Me:** Is it all in my head? The flashes, the camera shutter, the warmth? Am I overreacting? I need to shut up before someone finds me.

She clapped a hand over her mouth to muffle her screams. She squeezed her eyes shut to stop the tears. And they do stop. Why? Because she has trained her body into being so quiet. Oh, so quiet. Because if someone found her crying what would they do? They would tell her to stop, to control her emotions, that it’s not a big deal. She needs to take it like everyone else. Everyone has issues and doesn’t cry, but she does.

She looks back towards the mirror, there are cracks running across the surface and some shards of glass have fallen to the floor. The cracks are sharp and harsh and they make her look broken in her reflection. Which she is.

 _Marinette Dupain-Cheng_ _Sunday 7:17 pm_

 **Me:** Those cracks signify my life. The once happy girl is gone, the sad girl is gone. 

**Me:** Now just empty. 

**Me:** A cage of my old body. 

**Me:** I’ve lost myself within those cracks. Every crack breaks me a little more, and it keeps going until I am not me anymore. I am just empty. 

**Me:** Broken. 

**Me:** Gone. 

She watches as her reflecting morphs into a bright light. The cracks start glowing and the room goes white. She squeezes her eyes shut, and screams in agony. No, the light can’t be back, she destroyed it when she lost her phone!

She looks back towards the mirror. Her eyes open wide full of fear but under that fear is anger. She feels a tug on her hair and she realizes she's been pulling on it out of fear. No one would want her if she was ugly, right?

 _Marinette Dupain-Cheng_ _Sunday 7:29 pm_

 **Me:** Can’t breathe. 

**Me:** Need to breathe! 

The image in the mirror stares back at her. A wicked smile grows on its face. A smile that sends her body into a panic. 

_Marinette Dupain-Cheng_ _Sunday 7:32 pm_

 **Me:** Waiting.

 **Me:** Watching.

 **Me:** Always.

 **Me:** No matter what time of day.

 **Me:** No matter the excuse.

 **Me:** It will always be watching. 

**Me:** Expecting.

 **Me:** Demanding. 

**Me:** Blaming.

 **Me:** Spamming.

 **Me:** Broken?

 **Me:** Friend?

 **Me:** Overreacting? 

**Me:** Failure?

 **Me:** Let down?

 **Me:** A bad person? 

**Me:** Trapped?

 **Me:** Yes, I’m trapped within my own mind. 

**Me:** They tell me it’s fine, and I know that it is fine, but my stomach still hurts, and my head still spins, and I am still **cold.**

 **Me:** Cold.

 **Me:**...

 **Me:** I hate being cold.

With her eyes still locked onto the mirror, she reached down and picked up a sharp shard of glass. She slowly brings the glass up and then plunges it into her skin. The shard breaks the skin easily, and soon the liquid comes. The warmth, safety.

 _Marinette Dupain-Cheng_ _Sunday 7:43 pm_

 **Me:** Then I hear a voice.

 **Me:** My voice.

 **Me:** Not crying from the pain, no.

 **Me:** Laughing.

 **Me:** I’m laughing. 

**Me:** I feel so much better.

 **Me:** I’m not numb anymore, I can feel. I feel the warmth trail down my arm and drip onto my leg. 

**Me:** It feels good. 

**Me:** I want more. 

**Me:** No, I **need** more!

Just as she grabs another shard of glass she hears the sound again. The simple click of a camera. 

And then she remembers that she is not human, she is a monster.

A person who was so selfish that they bothered other people with their own issues that were nothing.

 _Marinette Dupain-Cheng_ _Sunday 7:56 pm_

 **Me:** It was nothing!

 **Me:** I am nothing.

 **Me:** A trapped soul surrounded by nothingness. 

**Me:** A young girl ripped from her innocents. 

**Me:** A person that is so broken that you can’t recognize me anymore. 

**Me:** I cry but no sound is heard.

 **Me:** I am numb from the pain. A lingering pain. A pain that makes me mad at every perfect thing there is around me because it reminds me of how broken I am. 

_Marinette Dupain-Cheng_ _Sunday 8:01 pm_

 **Me:** Emptiness. 

**Me:** Hurt. 

**Me:** Shattered hopes.

 **Me:** That’s all I am now. 

**Me:** Lost.

 **Me:** Why me?

 **Me:** I am a good person right?

 **Me:** Then why me?

Her silent tears scream, demand an answer. But her throat is already too sore from screaming. 

_Marinette Dupain-Cheng_ _Sunday 8:12 pm_

 **Me:** Maybe I wasn’t a good person.

 **Me:** Maybe I do deserve this.

 **Me:** Maybe it is all in my head.

The mirror's glowing smile returns. It haunts her. 

_Marinette Dupain-Cheng_ _Sunday 8:14 pm_

 **Me:** Worthless.

 **Me:** Useless.

 **Me:** A picture.

 **Me:** I am haunting myself.

 **Me:** My mind is ruining my life.

 **Me:** Convincing me that I am in danger, but really I’m not.

 **Me:** Overreacting.

 **Me:** The smile stays, and so does my broken mind.

 **Me:** Why?

 **Me:** My mind won’t leave me alone. 

**Me:** It’s dragging me across a lake of happiness that I cannot see my reflection in. 

**Me:** It’s so tiring being sad.

 **Me:** I have to cry, and scream, and shake, and whimper, and be **cold**. 

**Me:**...

 **Me:** I hate the cold.

 **Me:** Why can’t I just be angry? It’s less tiring.

 **Me:** I can just be angry, feel the anger. But for sadness, I have to reflect. 

**Me:** But reflecting is scary. Because that could mean that I am crying for nothing. That it’s in my head. 

**Me:** When I am angry I feel warm.

 **Me:** So I’m going to turn the sadness into anger.

 **Me:** I am afraid of myself. 

**Me:** Scream. Cry. Yell. Nothing works! I can’t get my own mind to leave me alone. 

**Me:** My mind is and will always be right there.

 **Me:** Watching.

 **Me:** Waiting.

The voices won’t leave her alone. No, they scream at her, blame her, hate her. And all she can do is stare at them. Waiting for them to leave her alone. And try not to break. Those voices are burned into her soul and will never leave her alone. There is no escaping this cold dead nightmare that she wishes would just stop.

 _Marinette Dupain-Cheng_ _Sunday 8:34 pm_

 **Me:**...

 **Me:** Cold, dead?

 **Me:**...

 **Me:** Cold?

 **Me:**...

 **Me:** I **hate** the cold. 

**Me:** The warmth can save me.

 **Me:** I just need **more!**

She picks up another shard of glass and this time she stabs her neck with it. So that the warmth can spill all the way down her body.

 _Marinette Dupain-Cheng_ _Sunday 8:38 pm_

 **Me:** And if I die?

 **Me:** Then I can die warm.

 **Me:** I would rather die warm than live a cold life.

 **Me:** Because I **hate** the **cold.**

The warm liquid trails downward in huge portions. Covering her cold dead body in it. She laughs, and in the process spits up blood from before. Her mirror is now coated with tiny blood splatters.

Her vision goes black as she accepts her death feeling happy for once. She feels her head collapse onto the broken mirror. Causing more glass to fall onto her, coating her face in blood. 

_Marinette Dupain-Cheng_ _Sunday 8:47 pm_

 **Me:** I feel human again. 

**Me:** I feel innocent again.

 **Me:** I feel **alive** again.

Until she opens her eyes again. All that she can see is purple and black. She feels cold again as the color overtakes her skin.

And then she feels calmer than ever before. She feels the most warmth that she has ever felt. Then a soothing voice draws her in. She feels peaceful.

“Hello Fire Glasser, I’m Hawkmoth. I can sense your anger. It rages and bubbles within you but everyone expects you to keep it in, well not anymore. You feel cold, well I can grant you warmth. But since I will be doing so much for you, I would like something in return. The Ladybug earrings and the ring of the Black Chat. Could you do that for me?”

The voice is just so soothing after hearing the harsh clicks of the camera constantly. She can’t help but let her worries melt away.

“Of course, Hawkmoth.”

The purple and black are back but this time they warp her in a blanket of color. She feels more alive than she has her whole life. The color transforms her, and she hears one final thing.

“Marinette Dupain-Cheng, I am counting on you. I know you can make me proud.”

She feels her mouth curve upwards in a smile. And it feels natural.

“I won’t let you down, Hawkmoth.”

\-------

The ladybugs emitted a soft glow as they gently put her room back to normal. The one thing they did not fix was her. She was beyond broken. Her mirror, well it mirrored that. 

_Marinette Dupain-Cheng_ _Sunday 10:05 pm_

 **Me:** I am cracked, broken, and dirty. But most of all I am overreacting.  
  
**Me:** I went and got myself akumatized when it was **nothing**.

 **Me:** I am being selfish, and a bully.

 **Me:** I hurt people just because of one stupid sentence? 

**Me:** No one else reacts this way to friends, so why am I so fragile?

 **Me:** Weak.

She felt a drop of liquid hit her hand where her phone lay with the screen brightness low. 

She didn't want to answer the text. 

But she knew it would only be worse if she didn’t. So she took a deep breath and dried away her tears. Life stops for no one, and certainly not her. The bright light of the screen blinded her and there was a small crack in the corner of the phone. 

She then remembered that she still had her glass cuts, and blood on her. 

_Marinette Dupain-Cheng_ _Sunday 10:15 pm_

**Me:** No one would want to see my body if I am dirty, right?

 **Me:** I just need more. 

**Me:** Because what if no one believes me? Or tells me to stop complaining?

She took one last shard of glass and plunged it into her thigh.

She did not feel pain. She did not feel sad.

She only felt angry and free. 

_Marinette Dupain-Cheng_ _Sunday 10:21 pm_

 **Me:** There is a way out of this mess.

 **Me:** I can be a child again and not violate my body. 

**Me:** I could be happy again.

 **Me:** I could talk to others again.

 **Me:** I would not be scared anymore.

 **Me:** Because I would be free. 

\----

_Parent Duo 101 Sunday 10:02 pm_

**Sabine:** Tom, I think we need to talk.

 **Sabine:** Something is wrong with Marinette. Darling, she’s hurting.

 **Tom:** The people at her school? The one who she says hates her?

 **Sabine:** I don’t know. All I know is she’s changed.

 **Sabine:** She’s not the happy girl that got excited about family dinners, she’s not the caring and sweet ray of sunshine that we know. She’s not Marinette Dupain-Cheng, a human person, not someone who is just a cage of no emotions trapped in a teenage girl’s mind. 

**Tom:** Now Marinette is angry.

 **Sabine:** Right. She’s shutting herself away from the world. Never coming to family dinners or game nights.

 **Tom:** Never helping with the bakery, now she is always on her phone.

 **Sabine:** And not only that, she just seems off when she is.

 **Sabine:** She’s got red puffy eyes and her skin is so much paler now. 

**Tom:** But what can we do?

 **Sabine:**...

 **Sabine:** I don’t know.

Sabine put her phone down with a sigh.

She tried to get her daughter to see a therapist, but she will never forget how her daughter looked at her that night. 

Her eyes were pleading with everything not to go. She would hold on to the walls when she thought Sabine was going to make her go. She would hide her face in the wall. She would scream and cry. She flinched away when Sabine tried to comfort her. 

She never wanted her daughter to be afraid of her.

She didn’t even know how that happened.

She thought she was a good mom.

But after her daughter was so scared that she could not even look at Sabine, she knew she messed up.

She knew that her daughter needed help, but her daughter was **scared.**

She was **traumatized.**

She locked herself up in the bathroom all night.

She asked if Sabine even trusted her.

She asked if Sabine even knew her.

And the horrible truth was, she did not. 

A person does not just have a personality change overnight, it's gradual. And if Sabine could not see that, then she was a horrible mother.

Her daughter knows her own mind and body well enough, and if she says she’s okay, then she’s okay. 

Sabine just did not want to hurt her anymore. 

But after seeing the akuma today. She knew she had messed up again.

She rushed home, not even paying for her groceries. 

She needed to know if her daughter was safe.

And so when she came into her daughter's room, saw a broken mirror, a pool of blood, and an unconscious body, she knew something had to change. 

_Parent Duo 101 Sunday 10:23 pm_

**Tom:** Maybe we should change her schools, get her away from those classmates who she does not like. 

**Sabine:** But what if she freaks out again?

 **Tom:** Well what else can we do?

 **Sabine:** Trust that she’ll tell us when she needs it.

 **Tom:** You and I both know she’ll never do that.

 **Sabine:** But we are her parents.

 **Tom:** So? I would have never told my father about my mindset issues, sometimes to be a good parent in the future is to put the foot down today.

 **Sabine:** I just don’t want to hurt her anymore.

 **Tom:** I know sweetheart, but having her stay in that toxic environment is not going to help. Even if she thinks she has loving parents. She might hate us tomorrow but once she has a healthier mindset she’ll understand.

 **Sabine:** Right. I’m sorry.

 **Tom:** It’s all good, I’m figuring it out as I am going too. 

**Sabine:** I heard Collège Françoise Dupont has an excellent art program. Maybe we could get her back into motivation for her passion again.

 **Tom:** Sounds like a plan. I’ll let her know and you can keep researching. I know how much it hurts for you to see her in pain.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> "Let go of the idea of perfection — you are not perfect, you are real. Let yourself be flawed, and allow yourself to make mistakes. Recognize that you’re not always going to have it all together. Sometimes your heart is going to break, you are going to get hurt, you are going to feel pain. Don’t apologize for being broken — every time you break you become a little more alive. You become more open with yourself. You become exposed to your sensibility. Every crack tells you a little more about yourself — your strength, your courage, your tenacity — what you’re made of. Do not hide these pieces from the world, they are a part of who you are. You see, the most beautiful people are beautifully broken. Their hearts are heavy but they love the deepest. They have seen the dark but they appreciate everything that shines. They’re compassionate, understanding, and empathetic. Beautiful hearts just don’t happen — and you my dear are going to show the world just how beautiful you are."  
> -Bryan Anthonys


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